It’s not very often I talk like this but sometimes I think we all need to at some point. I have come to a point in my life where I’m finding it hard to talk to people. Not that I think I’m alone, or think that I have no one to talk to but more to do with finding it hard to be open. I’m not open very often, I don’t seek sympathy in fact I hate it when people feel sorry for me, which most might consider it a good personal trait however it’s also a big downfall. The reason why it’s a big downfall is due to the fact that feelings and thoughts tend to get bottled, concentrated and will eventually manifest in a very ugly way.
For the past year or so I have been in a very dark place in two ways. One in an emotional way and the other more metaphorical, as in, I have been very much conditioned and kept in the dark from myself and my own personal development. Most of you will know what I am referring to, some of you don’t and I’m sorry to say a lot of you of my close friends probably haven’t a clue, that is nothing personal but it’s not easy being in a situation that I was in, it was very uncomfortable to say the least but also I felt completely content it’s a very strange and conflicting feeling to experience. Everything seemed to make sense but in actual fact it made barely any sense at all. If you’re reading this and expecting me to delve deeper and gain some kind of gossip I’m sorry to say, this isn’t about placing my past and personal problems out on a public forum but more to explain my own personal feelings and my own understanding of myself with the hope that maybe someone could come across this and this might help them.
In the past couple of weeks I’ve come to gain a better understanding of something that I didn’t quite grasp. Sure a lot of people around me were telling me, a lot of people got frustrated, a lot got upset but most of you fell short of one thing – understanding. How could anyone understand me when I barely understood myself?
I made a lot of mistakes and one really big one. I was pathetic to allow myself to fall into a stupid trap but even more pathetic is the fact that I still allow it to trap me in many ways. I’m still at this point very terrified. Terrified for two reasons, 1. I’m not sure how long it will take to overcome this feeling and 2. Will I ever truly be free from it? – I know I will be one day, I’m much stronger than that, I still have a lot of dignity and I tend not to dwell. However dwelling is also good, it’s good to think things through, it’s good for your own personal experiences and it helps you not to make the same mistake again and I’m taking the time to dwell as most people should.
I find that there are three things that could happen:
1. Find comfort in someone else.
It’s very easy to fill a void in your life with someone else, whether that be a relationship or a close friendship it really doesn’t matter. For some this could work really well, but we have to be honest here – it’s not always the best option. Because you’re not finding comfort in yourself. Instead you’re finding yourself trying to be as pleasing as possible. You’re not thinking for yourself at all. It’s unfair on you and it’s unfair on the other person.
2. (To be blunt) Being a slut.
This is possibly the easiest thing to do. Filling a void with sex. It’s a quick fix that can help your self-esteem and gain you confidence. Unfortunately it’s very short lived. You’re not repairing yourself. While your ‘magic number’ might be rising to a nice figure that makes you feel like a stud/glamour model, it’s a dangerous path that can lead you feeling half full. By all means go and be a slut if you want, however I doubt you will find much in it. As human beings we are too social for the ‘fuck & chuck’ to be fulfilling.
3. Appreciating yourself.
This is by far the hardest however it’s the most rewarding. At times when things get you down, it will make you feel worthless and pathetic no matter what it is that has happened. Judging ourselves has always been humanities downfall, it’s something that can linger on the outside or something that can spiral downward and be a seed for many problems to come. It’s not going to be easy but spending time with yourself and your own personal goals will help you to start appreciating yourself and it is the only way that you may truly get yourself together.
I have been extremely vague on purpose, because it really doesn’t matter what has happened. These are feelings that we all go through at some point in our lives and they are not exclusive to one particular situation. I hope this helps some of you, it certainly is helping me and to me thats what counts at the moment.